NoBlog 36: Jim Lovetoy on the Innovation of Mr. Fabio...
20th May 2010
Media personality Jim Lovetoy writes exclusively for The Football Ramble. “This is no blog, it’s a column. It’s credible. Proper journalism that has an influence...
Fabio Capello has named his 30 man England squad and he’s already taken steps to prevent the nonsense surrounding the team at the last World Cup from happening again. The players are currently in Austria receiving attitude training as the Italian leaves nothing to chance. This is an inspired move. We all know what happened in 2006 when otherwise top man Ricardo Carvalho tricked Wayne Rooney into stamping on his balls and Cristiano Ronaldo proceeded to get him sent off. England have lost out so many times because of cheating foreigners enraging them and a simple attitude adjustment to keep those tempers under control could be our secret weapon!
Were I in charge of the training I’d set up a role playing scenario in a familiar setting to address these temper tantrums. I’d send the whole squad to a specially constructed nightclub with the instructions that they’re to keep calm at all times. The queues at the bar will be massive. Should they feel the need to urinate they’ll have to go in the toilets rather than the corner. So that they have to behave their wives and mistresses will be watching the whole thing from another room. They’ll hate it.
Of course this will be frustrating for them but it’ll be one of those clubs that sell shots of oxygen in case they have a serious ‘tude wobble and need to calm down. I don’t get why people pay for oxygen myself, you can get it for free in the same place. To me that’s like a fish having a bath for the fun of it, but in this case it’ll calm them down when they’ve been waiting at the bar for two minutes.
In the face of this provocation the players will be rewarded for good behaviour. For example Steven Gerrard can choose a Phil Collins song for the DJ to play if he asks with his mouth rather than his fist. This will make the players stop and think about their actions. Now when some cheating Argentinian is break dancing all over the pitch in an attempt to get Rooney sent off after a fair challenge he’ll react with a calm head rather than a leg drop.
Confidence is important too. In this same club scenario I’d instruct Ashley Cole and John Terry to get Gareth Barry absolutely hammered and encourage him to stop being boring. Barry is a man so non-descript that I can’t even remember if he has a face but he’s a footballer and has every right to enjoy a bit of womanising. It’ll do his ego the world of good.
It’s not just flared tempers and lack of self belief that have hampered us in the past but luckily this kind of training can be adapted to almost any kind of problem. Rio Ferdinand is still prone to lapses in concentration and we can’t afford to concede because he’s staring at a passing plane day dreaming about who the passengers are and where they’re going. Capello may have to secretly monitor his concentration in a series of tests. What I’d do is hire a Rio lookalike to train with the team and instruct them all to address only the lookalike. Ferdinand will then assume – as any right thinking person would – that he’s having an out of body experience and is invisible to everyone else. Capello can then see how long it takes him to notice this and also get a valuable insight into the workings of his mind while observing what he does when he thinks no one else can see him. He will undoubtedly take the whole squad to Merk City.
Motivational training is something else that the modern footballer needs. Ledley King will benefit from this the most. He’s clearly a good defender but he’s just so lazy. It’s often reported that at Spurs he doesn’t even train! He’s their best defender, they should definitely play him more but first he needs to get his head right.
I strongly approve of this new, innovative England set up. In the past we’ve been too honest and let the cheats rile us, but what better way to pre-empt the moves of cheating foreigners than by employing one yourselves?! Capello may even have some tricks of his own up his designer sleeves. Perhaps he’ll bring on “Peter Crouch”, who’ll really be Aaron Lennon wearing a mask on Theo Walcott and Shaun Wright Phillips’ shoulders. Once the ref has allowed them on – meaning he’ll have to let them stay on if the rules are fair - they can separate into three and we’ll be the ones with the numerical advantage for once! OK it’s not a very English way of playing – it’s literally not cricket as my good friend Jamie Redknapp would say – but we’ve been on the end of this sort of thing so many times that if it can bring us the glory it’s fine with me! Chelsea, Chelsea!
Jim Lovetoy
Follow Jim’s ravings on www.twitter.com/JimLovetoyTFR
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