It’s an exciting time to be a Blue. Despite a lengthy absence it looks like we’re finally about to return to our rightful place at the top, bringing some much needed class into the picture. The current champions are about to be deposed after a period of dominance undermined by the exit of the pantomime villain who was once the golden boy and third place will be made up of perennial also-rans who despite looking like they may have caused an upset earlier on are undermined by their own high minded, wishy-washy policies. That’s if they don’t capitulate completely and lose crucial ground to local rivals. I’m talking, of course, about the inevitable conclusion of the title race. Sorry for the laboured analogy!

If I could have voted for Bono today I obviously would have but I did what any sane person does and voted Tory, as I always have done. I like everything about them, the party colours, the tax breaks I’ll get, the fox hunting. I’ve heard that one of their policies is to introduce it in inner cities to give wayward kids something to do. There are loads of city foxes now and the kids already hang out in big groups, carry guns and have dogs so it makes more sense to let them kill animals than it does to have them shooting each other. I for one can´t wait for The Big Society, it even sounds like a band I´d like.

The election is of course important but let´s not forget that we´re at the business end of the football season and change is also upon us here. Spurs have finally made next season a reality and secured at least fourth place. Fulham have made a European final. There’s talk of players like Michael Dawson and Adam Johnson being called up for the World Cup squad. These things are all so unlikely I’m now concerned that I’m in a coma I can’t wake up from. The only constant is that Portsmouth’s debt keeps increasing and Rafa Benitez is still going slowly mad!

Spurs’ qualification for The Champions League is a consolidation of their progress and I for one think this will continue. In fact I guarantee they’ll secure fourth place in their group next season!

Harry Redknapp will now be able to use his for-some-reason bottomless pit of cash to attract players of a better calibration now they have Champions League football so prepare yourself for Spurs fans banging on about how they’re going to win the World Cup. Famously Redknapp is Frank Lampard’s dad and let me be the first Chelsea spokesperson to tell him not to even think about tapping him up!

Spurs achieving something they’ve been chasing for years is one thing but Fulham making the Europa League final came completely out of the blue. It’s like Stephen Hawking winning the Baghdad Marathon on stilts. I didn’t even know they’d entered! Most English teams don’t bother now as it’s more of an Eastern European thing. Nice to see that we’re taking their jobs for a change, eh Dave?! Their success has even led to calls for suburban restaurant crooner Bobby Zamora to receive a call up for England ahead of Fabio Capello’s announcement of his provincial squad next week.

Some of the names being bambied about are crazy. Retro Sol, Bent, Jagielka etc. If Jagielka can’t get in the squad for Poland or wherever he’s from he has no place in ours. Despite this cavalcade of mediocrity I’m optimistic that the core eleven will be enough to see us through. It’s not like you really need that many players anyway. The Chelsea contingent are fit, Steven Gerrard’s recent performances for Liverpool indicate that it’s his evil twin playing, logically meaning he’ll be unstoppable for England, and our potato headed wonder boy hasn’t snapped anything crucial yet. All is looking good from where I’m sat (on an Ikea throne I had made) and this is why for 2010 it’s the Monster Raving Rooney Party who get my vote! Chelsea, Chelsea!

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