Sometimes I feel like I’m wasting my time. I slave away keeping myself up to date on what’s going on in football so I can both inform The Great Unwashed (you) and make a difference to the game. I take any presenting job I’m offered just to maintain my profile for when a football related one comes up. I slog around London pitching ideas to production companies, brilliant ideas too, so that the public can be enlightened: “Imagine The Big Breakfast but about football and with the same jokes over and over again so we don’t have to take any risks!” I say. I work my arse into the ground for this game and I know what makes great TV. So imagine my delight when I hear the news that Adrian Chiles has left the BBC to go and introduce the adverts on ITV. I get straight onto the phone to my agent and get him to accept the BBC’s obviously forthcoming offer in advance only to find out that I’ve been overlooked...for Colin Murray.

Colin Murray! What has he ever presented?! The Europey League on Channel 5 barely counts. Who watches Channel 5? I don’t even know where it is on the Sky menu. My agent is getting a shoeing over this. Now I know Colin well, we’ve done some internet radio show that you download together (no future in it) and no disrespect to him but I can name a hundred better candidates on one hand. Let’s start with the obvious...

OK, despite being the only sensible choice I have to address the fact that I’ve been the target of the hate mob. However, for everyone who doesn’t like me there are ten people who think I’m a “legernd” and this shows both the intelligence of the general public and that I’m the peoples’ choice. I also have impeccable knowledge of the game. Look at Barcelona. Every lazy, arm chair fan proclaims them to be brilliant just because they keep easily winning everything. Not I. I’ve long been of the opinion that they’re overrated and that they only employ the diversity in their game to hide the fact that they only have one style of play. Inter Milan proved me right on Tuesday when they dispelled the myth of the Matalans.

Jamie is a mate of mine and he knows the game well. This is imperative to the post. Match of the Day 2 is lighter hearted than Match of the Day 1 and they sometimes do novelty things like having girls on. If Jamie was involved they could have Louise on too and while she wouldn’t have much else to offer she’s great to look at.

See above, without the football knowledge.

The Godfather of modern TV. Evans is always relevant and he’d even be a better choice than me if he had the influence on football that I have. He’s already doing The One Show and though he may not be considered a football person what does that matter nowadays? The analysis bits are boring anyway, I told my agent to make it expressly clear to the BBC that I’d refuse to do any of that rubbish. I’d have guests rather than pundits. Would you rather watch someone talk to Lee Dixon about a corner or to Kasabian about their new album? No contest. Like Chris I’m a maverick and this is probably why I’ve been robbed. They’re scared of the everyman.

You might think I’m mad for suggesting this but remember that they gave the job to Colin Murray. Bruce used to be a pundit on Match of the Day 1 when Des Lynam was still alive so has previous. He may have an unsightly chin and obvious incontinence but the public love him after his success on Strictly Come Dancing and that will bring in a light entertainment factor that’s now missing. Of course I’m sure he can barely remember what football is but that doesn’t matter too much.  

Why just have one host? Given that we have an election coming up we could have Gordon Brown, David Cameron and Simon Pegg come on and do their waffle. I’ll be voting for whoever does their best to encourage England ahead of the World Cup anyway so this would be a great place for them to air their views. When a party does this it shows that they’re in tune with the normal working man and that they’re not just cynical vote grabbers. Why stop there though? There are lots of people who could host the show, Ant, Dec, Ant and Dec, me. It’s certainly a better solution than whoever runs the BBC (The Queen?) has come up with.   

If I’d lost out to Evans I could understand it, the man’s a genius, but Murray I can’t abide. If it was funny I’d laugh. Still, it’s only been a few months since I pitched my other ideas and I’m bound to hear something any day now so it’s the BBC’s loss. I’ll be back to haunt you Auntie, you mark my words. Chelsea, Chelsea!

Follow Jim’s ravings on Twitter: www.twitter.com/JimLovetoyTFR