After breezing past Aston Villa in the FA Cup semi Chelsea will now be paired with Portsmouth in the final. Nerdy stats geeks amongst you will know that Portsmouth have already been relegated, raising questions over whether they should be allowed to take part in the game at all. Frankly though, this is academic. Portsmouth have no experience in this sort of game and Chelsea may as well have a bye to lifting the cup itself.

The one glimmer of hope Pompo have comes in the form of the Wembley pitch, generating endless headlines due to the abysmal state of it over the course of the semi-finals. Avram Grant’s side will be hoping that Chelsea’s players have never seen mud before and end up sliding into the car park when attempting tackles. That’s literally the best hope they have.

The pitch is of course a problem though. Not everyone is as brilliant as Chelsea and they have to play there too. The play offs from the Sunday leagues are at Wembley this year. What chance do those teams stand? They’ll all get stuck in the pitch and the refs will have no choice but to abandon the matches, then nobody will get promoted.

I blame The FA for this debacle as they hired an Australian company to build Wembley in the first place. They may as well have hired Al Qaeda. They hate us and they’re the slackers of the world, they were always going to sabotage it. They’re so degenerate they have a beer called Castlemaine XXXX. Even the names of their beers have swearing in them. In what other country do they have to censor their brand names? After 9pm the adverts probably just say: “Austraalyans wouldn’t give a Castlemaine Fuck for anything else.” Sven was England manager at the time and therefore head of The FA so thinking about it I’m not that surprised.  

As ever I have a solution: Until the pitch is sorted out they should just move the games back to the old Wembley. This way they can be played on a decent surface and The FA could use the new Wembley to earn back some of the money they blew on building it in the first place. They already hold events there and here are some ideas for a few more alternative uses:

If there’s one thing the British public love, it’s slumping on the sofa and turning their brains off on a Saturday night. Anything that features a panel of rude judges who are ill equipped to comment on their subject or that twin pack of dickheads Ant and Dec is hugely popular. Why not host these events at Wembley? There’s certainly an appetite for it. They could freeze the pitch and host Strictly Come Ice Skating on it. It’d probably be good for the pitch to get some water. Speaking of which...

The government are always going on about how the country needs to be healthier so why not turn Wembley into a giant pool for a day? You could charge people a fortune for the novelty, plus the helicopter fee they’d need to get in. I’ll be voting for Obama in the election and this is exactly the kind of innovation I’ll be expecting.

That Sarth Efrican stadium is designed to look like one so let´s go the whole pig. With the water left from the pool Gordon Ramsay, Jamie Oliver and Heston Blumenthal can be brought in to cook a huge meal for the country’s elite. The pitch must have under soil heating so they can use that. It might sound a bit gross after people have been swimming in it but Blumenthal’s good at doing all that magic science stuff so he can sort that out. Whittingstall could do that thing he does where he stuffs loads of animals inside of each other and cooks them. He could get one of those funny meerkats like from the advert and stuff it up a chicken, put that in an owl, then whack that up an ocelot, put that in a crocodile, which would go in a tiger, which then goes up a horse, which is stuffed into a polar bear which is then finally stuffed into a squid. I know some of those animals are endangered but for such a big event and at such a high price that doesn’t really matter. Would a horse fit inside a polar bear? That’d be their problem I guess. Ramsay could shout and swear at the others to make it work. I love it when he gets all angry and rude, it reminds me of me when I was on TV. Some of the cretins you get working for you need to be reminded that they’re nothing and that they’re just there to prop up the star. Reminding them of how lucky they are is the only way to motivate them.

They could call it Boiled Zoo and charge an absolute fortune. I’d eat it, I’d eat anything they cooked. It’s not so much about enjoying what you’re eating as it is about the status you gain from eating food prepared by a celebrity chef.

Is any of this likely to happen? Of course not, The FA are so stubborn they’ll persist with the new Wembley for The FA Cup final and what was once a great spectacle will be ruined by shit grass. And do you know who the real losers will be in all this? Portsmouth. LOL. Chelsea, Chelsea!

Follow Jim on Twitter: www.twitter.com/JimLovetoyTFR