NoBlog 30: Jim Lovetoy on Animal Cruelty, Estate Agents and the Pros and Cons of England Going out of the Champions League...
8th of April 2010
Media personality Jim Lovetoy writes exclusively for The Football Ramble. “This is no blog, it’s a column. It’s credible. Proper journalism that has an influence...”
The question everyone’s talking about is this: Barcelona are probably going to win The Champions League twice in a row. The European Cup has ever been retained, with Manchester United coming closest when they lost in last year’s final having “won” it on penalties the previous year. It speaks volumes that the side that came closest were English and I think every neutral will want to see Barcelona fail so that this achievement remains intact. There were long periods in the second half against Arsenal when they were just keeping the ball, they weren’t even trying to score! It was so negative.
This is the first time this decade that an English side hasn’t been in the semis. Some ignorant, so called experts have been saying that it might be a good thing for the competition to be shaken up. Though I obviously disagree with this because I know what I’m talking about there are definitely some positive points so let’s look at the pros and cons.
Pros:
The England players will be fit:
Wayne Rooney in particular is less likely to be injured as our young talismaniac won’t be targeted by cowardly Germans. Perhaps even Owen Hargreaves will return as he’ll have fewer games to play in which one of his knees can fall out.
The Spanish players will be burned out:
Most of the Barcelona team play for Spain as well so all that mincing and prancing that they do will probably knacker them for the World Cup. More games means more worrying, as they’re a bunch of girls and will worry about how to do their make-up, how to style their hair and how many boots to put on. This extra stress can’t be good.
Gutted Man United fans/Gutted Arsenal fans:
Picture it: An Estate Agents in Surrey. All day yesterday Gary, who has jet black hair and supports Man United, has been going: “Ahhhh! You wanger!” at Mark, who has jet black hair and supports Arsenal, after his side were eliminated at the hands of Barcelona. This morning Mark is going: “Ahhhh! You wanger!” at Gary, after his side were eliminated at the hands of Bayern Munich. Despite the enjoyment they get from taunting each other both are beset by a sense of emptiness after seeing teams they only decided to support because they thought they’d win something come up short. Turns out they’re both wankers.
Free time:
I can go out when the rest of the games are on. As much as I like watching football it can be boring when the goals aren’t happening and the lack of British Beef will mean the standard is lower. The summer will also be on the way by the time of the final, meaning the ladies are wearing less. Phwoar and all that.
Cons:
Football as a whole loses out:
If the best teams aren’t in the final of the best competition then it’s not really the best competition. In a way it’s not even really a final. Do you think people in Beijing or Norway really care about Bayern Munich? It’s a global game now and that means that people from all over the world should get a look in. With this in mind I think FIFA should consider some rematches involving English teams, maybe Chelsea could play Arsenal with the winner getting Lyon’s place. They have to look after their product.
Less money coming in:
I’ve put this in the cons list as on the surface it isn’t a good thing for there to be less money in the league. We can all see that the more money comes in the more the quality of the league as a whole improves. However, it could also go in the pros list as if there’s less money the smaller teams won’t be able to demand as much for their good players when a proper team comes knocking, thus also improving the standard of the league as a whole.
No more ITV coverage:
I for one like their coverage, nobody quite captures the drama of European nights like Clive Tyldesley and his Irish side kick. I forget which one it is, probably an old Irish international. I want to say Tony Cascarino? Doesn’t matter. I doubt they’ll bother showing the rest of it as their demographic is only really interested in football when English clubs are involved. Otherwise they prefer shows like Ice Skating on Ice and Celebrity Fuck Island. Their shows seem to be getting more and more degenerate. I was invited onto one recently that was just called Cock Fighting. I refused of course, I’m not into cruelty to animals. I’ve got some coy carp in a paddling pool in my living room and they get only the finest treatment. If I’m having steak, they’re getting the fat. If I’m having a beer, so are they. If I’m having an aspirin for the ensuing hangover, they’re getting one too. Nothing is too good for my Asian fish. I was then told that there were no animals involved and that the public had voted for me to fight Chris Moyles live on TV! Obviously he’s a very unpopular man and I felt flattered to have been elected the peoples’ champion but when I found out that my fee would have gone to charity I “remembered” that I was busy. I think they’ve passed it on to Corden.
In conclusion, it’s rubbish that England are out of Europe for the season however you look at it. I suspect that an intervention from the force of evil that I call Blattini is probably involved somehow. So much for the allied forces! The landscape for the English qualifiers could be very different next year with Manchester City and Tottenham vying for fourth place while Liverpool continue to self harm like a teenage goth who’s had enough of being told to do the washing up. Spurs really could crack the top four and to borrow a phrase from them: There’s always next season. Chelsea, Chelsea!
Jim Lovetoy
Follow Jim’s twattering on Twitter: www.twitter.com/JimLovetoyTFR
Is it good for the competition that the English dominance is over for the season at least? Is this the beginning of a decline? Should fish really drink beer?
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Rev. Yunus M. Akram
:::2010-04-09 08:37:12
Blattini?...excellent! I can see the amalgamation dressed as Emperor Palpatine
Paul from Petersfield
:::2010-04-14 13:09:28
Dear Jim,
Love the post- think you should have mentioned more about the Blattini evil plot. The two headed evil serpant of football buracracy is clearly hating on the english, its a joke.
I was talking about this with my mate Clive and that gimp pointed out that we still have teams in the ´Europa Cup´ or ´Europa League´ or ´Nothing League´ or ´Loads of Games Cup´ which ever you call it , it doesnt matter does it. I cant watch tv on channel 5 that scotish guy Colin Murray hurts me physically. I am certain he was the cause of my nose bleed during the last european liverpool game. Also the standard of the camera men is so terrible that they cant actaully keep up with the bloody ball, whats that about?
I quite like Fulham doing what ever the hell they think they are doing though as its simply proving the fact that that cup is a load of contrived time wasting crap!
p.s If Spurs get 4th place I will purchase a top hat and eat it. That Rednap geeza is a retard i cant stand him, he reminds me of the dog from the churchil adverts and if theres one thing I seriously hate it´s insurance.
Paul.
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