Dear Football,

We’ve known each other for a long time now and we’ve always got on well. It’s fair to say that we’ve mutually benefitted each other greatly. However, I’m writing to you in despondence as sometimes I don’t understand the things you do.

What is it that you have against England? Chelsea have been unfairly smote from The Champions League once again while Arsenal’s Frenchmen have been allowed safe passage. The injuries to our star players are mounting. Gary Neville is a serious consideration. I thought we were past this. Nobody embodies the spirit of the English game as much as David Beckham and you deign to rupture his Achilles’ heel. What is your problem with us? We invented you, gave you life, pushed you forth from England’s green and pleasant womb. Is it that you feel you have outgrown your creator? The English interpretation of the game stands for truth, justice, virtue. It’s like St. George, out to slay foreign, diving dragons. If the English style continues to fail then future generations will want to play like they do in bloody Spain. We bring unique skills to the game, like the hopeful chip from defence, adopting a siege mentality after going 1-0 up in the first minute and kicking with your ankle. These art forms will disappear if we’re to continue to be cheated by you.

The injustice of failure looks like it’s here to stay. The next generation are a bunch of flash little rudeboys with pound signs shaved into their hair. We’re forever looking forward to the kids stepping up to the plate, fulfilling their potential and winning us something, but have you seen a child lately? The only plates they’re stepping up to are on the dinner table. They’re all morbidly obese, self important cretins.

While we’re on this subject can you please stop indulging James Corden? Seeing him lark about with the England squad is like watching some no mark celebrity do the FA Cup draw. He just doesn’t deserve it.  A League of Their Own is rubbish too. If you want to make a good comedy football programme you’re meant to have loads of people cheering off camera at everything the host says, everyone knows that. He’s not even funny and actually seems to think he has some influence on the game. He’s completely deluded and I know firsthand because I’m mates with him.

Why have you also deigned to bring so much money into the game? Do you know that Craig Bellamy has a butler? That Stephen Ireland’s dog has a butler? That if Shaun Wright Phillips wants to buy a tank he can easily afford it using only the change down the back of his solid gold sofa? How silly would he look in a tank? It’d look like a garden gnome attempting to start a revolution. Picture that image...You did this.

This in turn has led to WAG culture, which means that if you go to Faces or China Whites and there are footballers in then normal, salt of the earth blokes like me don’t get a look in anymore. The WAGS are even starting to get greedier than the players themselves! Look at Cheryl Cole. It’s obvious that she was out for a big divorce settlement from the start. Colleen Rooney is just as bad. She has all the money she could need from Wayne going out and winning bread for her but she still did those adverts for the George clothing range, openly lying for money. There is no way Colleen Rooney buys her clothes in ASDA.

Obviously people will point to Roman Abramovich’s purchase of Chelsea being a positive thing for the game as a whole but we were fine without the money. There’s a banner that’s often displayed at London Bridge which reads: “Proud of our History”, and we are. Anyone who knows the game can tell that we’d be challenging on all fronts with our without the money. It’s the history and pedigree that’s brought our players in, not the cash. You know that.

So, football, I still love you, but you seem intent on throwing that love back in my face, leaving it a sticky, confused mess. I have no doubt that England can still win the World Cup despite the assault courses you like to throw in our way, that Chelsea will eventually prevail in The Champions League and that the amount of cash modern footballers are paid probably serves to make them better players. I know you must know what you’re doing but please, remember your roots and make an effort to stop being so hard on Merry Old England.

Yours sincerely,

Jim Lovetoy

P.S. Chelsea, Chelsea!

Follow Jim on Twitter: www.twitter.com/JimLovetoyTFR