NoBlog 25: Jim Lovetoy on Parenting, The Carling Cup and The Boo Boys...
4th March 2010
Media personality Jim Lovetoy writes exclusively for The Football Ramble. “This is no blog, it’s a column. It’s credible. Proper journalism that has an influence...”
A routine win for England after conceding a sympathy goal to Egypt puts us in a good position ahead of the World Cup. The booing of John Terry is a national scandal and I think anyone unpatriotic enough to be caught doing it in future should be banned from the country and sent to live in the sea. Terry’s had enough bother lately and I can certainly empathise as I’ve had a weird time of it lately myself.
It was an interesting weekend round my gaff. Saturday night was a heavy one and I overdid it drowning my sorrows after Chelsea’s ridiculous defeat to Man City at London Bridge. I think I had three bottles of Magners, and we’ve all seen how big they are. On Sunday morning it felt like my dreams were bleeding. If I’m honest I’m still not fully recovered. By the time I rolled out of my four poster it was already well into the afternoon and through a haze I remembered making plans to watch The Carling Cup final with my mate Fatto. He came over in his cab with a crate of beer. As soon as I saw it I was sick. I decided there and then to stop drinking forever.
Just as my nerve endings were starting to work again the door bell rang. Normally I like it when the door bell rings because I’ve hooked it up to play that song that goes: “Whatta man, whatta man, whatta man, what a mighty good man...” but this time it’d annoyed me. I was so hungover that whoever was at the door couldn’t possibly be worth it. I got there and saw my kids. Argh. I’d forgotten I was meant to be having them for the day. I’ve got two - that I know of – Zola, he’s about 7, and Chelsea, I think she’s 5 now. They were both just standing there grinning while my ex walked away without a word. She always does this, she’s still so in love with me she can’t even bear to look at me. It’s so obvious. They each grabbed a leg and my head span as I had to shuffle inside with my two most successful sperm clinging on to me and shrieking with laughter. If there’s any sound in the universe that cuts through my soul it’s the sound of children laughing, especially when I’m hungover. Thankfully my TV has a sound system that could wake up God so I just whacked it right up to try and drown them out.
It didn’t work. Obviously I like a kick-about so I keep a lot of balls in the flat. Zola immediately went for one and kept smacking it against the walls. He was kind of cushioning it with the side of his foot when he kicked it. I told him to stop and also that if you want any real power that you have to kick with the end of your toe. The little bastard did exactly that and smashed my framed, signed copy of the first Razorlight album. I was gutted. He did such a bad job picking up the glass that I had to get the Dyson out myself.
I went back on my decision to never drink again. Almost straight away James Milner scored a penalty for Villa. I was so glad there was football on so that I could take my mind off of them. I’ve made sure they both support Chelsea – and if I had my way they’d have the tattoos to prove it – but they didn’t seem too interested in the match. This bothers me as I don’t want my progeny to be ignorant of the game I’ve helped to influence. Chelsea seemed more interested in her phone. She’s 5 and has a phone. How is that woman raising my kids?
After a while I calmed down. Fatto and I were laughing at Richard Dunne for setting up Michael Owen for United’s equaliser when Zola piped up and said he didn’t think it was his fault as he’d made the tackle and was just unlucky. He’s certainly got some lip on him. I think he gets it from his mum. Fatto and I explained that the best thing for defenders to do when the opposition have the ball in your box is to just sort of harry them and hope they either miss or scuff their shot. There are so many foreigners in the game that if you commit to a challenge they’ll only dive and get a penalty from the weak minded refs. He just kept asking: “Why?” Like kids do. “But why? Why? But why are all foreigners cheats?” he kept saying. I told him to ask his teacher. Chelsea then asked what the offside rule is. Fatto used his empties to explain it but completely failed to mention that you can only be offside in the penalty box. Idiot. To be fair he was pretty hammered.
By the time Wayne Rooney had wrapped up yet another trophy for Inspector Morse I was exhausted from looking after them. I was hungover, tired, still annoyed by the Chelsea result and I just wanted to go back to bed. Luckily, one of the best things about having young children is that they tire themselves out easily and before long they were both asleep on their bean bags. When Fatto finished his last beer I told him I was going to bed and got him to drop them back to their mum in his cab. I barely even see my kids and it’s hard work. For John Terry to be the player he is and still find time to be Dad of the Year he must truly be some sort of superman. I’d like to see the boo boys manage that. Chelsea, Chelsea!
Jim Lovetoy
Follow Jim on Twitter: www.twitter.com/JimLovetoyTFR
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Jimmy
:::2010-03-04 13:15:27
Jim,
I think the reason Chelsea didn´t win on Saturday is that Ancellotti picked Hilario(us) in goal over Peter Cech AND Carlo Cudicini... the two best keepers in the prem.
Paul from Petersfield
:::2010-03-04 14:39:36
Alright Jim,
Sorry I aint written on here in a while, been inside. Dont really want to go into it. But yeah didnt use the internet really.
I knewst to have kids. Boring aint they. They dont know shit all they are too small to do stuff by them selves.
That Chelsea result was a joke, that Bellamy gezza pisses me off. I dont know what he is talking about half the time. And to say stuff about JT i mean, its plain outta order innit. Bellamy is the one who goes around hitting people with golf clubs and grabbing fans by the neck. The little sheep shagger just loves a nice little scuffle where ever he can get it. I dont think who he cares about who its with.
safe yeah,
Paul.
Russ
:::2010-03-04 19:14:30
I hope Fatto kept those kids quiet in the back of his cab, drink driving is hard enough without little kids in your ear!
picko
:::2010-03-04 19:35:02
are you on glue? lol
Peter Cech was injured in the previous game and as for Carlo he now plays for Spurs but has been injured all season after a bad motor-bike accident
Jimmy
:::2010-03-05 09:05:54
Oh
What´s the point of Cech wearing his crash helmet then if he still gets injured?
Palacios
:::2010-03-05 09:56:42
Cudicini couldn´t lace Hilarios boots, maybe because both his arms were broken in a motorbike crash.
sensesfail2701
:::2010-03-05 11:17:00
progeny? Have you been reading your children´s picture dictionary again Lovetoy?
Jim Lovetoy
:::2010-03-05 12:23:26
Hi everyone,
It´s factual science that you lose 100% of your body heat through your head so Cech wears his hat to keep warm and conserve energy. Things like this are why he´s the best keeper in the world.
Russ, kids got home safe, "no thanks to you" according to the ex. I wasn´t exactly going to drive them myself was I?
Paul, it´s a disgrace, I´m going to make it my mission to romp with Bellamy´s Mrs. Glad to hear you got out of clink!
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