NoBlog 24: Jim Lovetoy on Wayne Bridge, Potential Replacements and the Rules of Infidelity
25th February 2010
Media personality Jim Lovetoy writes exclusively for The Football Ramble. “This is no blog, it’s a column. It’s credible. Proper journalism that has an influence...”
England play Egypt in a friendly next week and just before our hour and a half of need we’ve been let down by our first choice left back by default, Wayne Bridge. He follows the traitorous likes of Alan Shearer, Paul Scholes, Jamie Carragher and Luke Young (!) in declaring themselves unavailable for selection. All because of a few misplaced sex romps. Let’s be honest, we’ve all pulled a controversial set of keys out of the bowl at parties but that’s part and parcel of the game. The next day you look your mate in the eye, make peace with the fact that you shagged his wife, ignore his insistence that it’s not completely fair for a single man to be involved in such an evening (he’s bound to be emotional, you let it go, you’re a mate) and get on with it. We all know what footballers get up to with the ladies, it’s one of the benefits of the job. Wayne Bridge has to deal with the fact that he was unlucky this time. I’m sure John Terry will let him have a go on Toni if he just mans up and asks. It’s what mates, and more importantly, team-mates do.
Ashley Cole is currently at the centre of a similar scandal and you can bet that he wouldn’t pull out. I must say I feel for Ashley, Cheryl is near the top of any sane man’s to-do list and he must be gutted. For the record I love Ashley but if I get the chance at some awards ceremony or whatever I will definitely have a crack at her. And he should be OK with that because she’s his ex.
Frankly to pull out of the England squad whatever the circumstances should count as treason. Anyone who’s had a drunken, late night conversation about politics with me knows I’m in favour of bringing back public hanging and if I were in charge then Guy Fawkes...sorry, Wayne Bridge wouldn’t have the option to pull out. Fabio Capello should step in. He shouldn’t let him pull out. He should never have demoted Terry, he’s a true leader. What Bridge could do with now is Captain Terry calling him up at all hours of the day, hounding and bollocking him into changing his mind. Can you imagine Rio Ferdinand doing that? I bet he doesn’t even know what his phone is. He probably thinks it’s a magic box that talks to him. This situation again proves that Capello has made the wrong decision. It’s well documented that he’s Italian and after this display of weak decision making under pressure I worry for us in the World Cup. If it we’re under the cosh in a crucial game will anyone be surprised if he changes sides at half time?
So where does this leave us for the World Cup? Cole is unlikely to be fit in time, Bridge will be busy betraying Jesus to the Romans and everyone else is untested. These are the depressing options:
Stephen Warnock:
Aston Villa’s left back, it’s only since people have been listing potential left back options that I realised he isn’t that Nicky Shorey bloke they had. What happened to him? This option doesn’t fill me with faith.
Leighton Baines:
The man who sounds like a town. What were his parents thinking? I wouldn’t name my kids after a place. Saying that, my daughter is called Chelsea but that’s after the team. I wouldn’t exactly call her Kensington. I wonder how she is. Actually London Lovetoy sounds quite good too so if I have any more I’ll have to remember that. At least choose a good place though. Rotherham Lovetoy would sound stupid for example. Perhaps he has a brother called Milton Keynes Baines. To be honest I’m just filling up space because I don’t know if this bloke is any good or not. Is he? I doubt it, I’d know if he was.
Joleon Lescott:
The man who sounds like a town on another planet. He’s played at left back before according to all the pieces I’ve read that are exactly the same as this one but I’m not excited by this choice. He’s usually a centre back so it’d be case of putting a square peg in a big hole. In that it’d get lost, I think. It’s a stupid saying, that.
Gareth Barry:
He used to play at left back so is a reasonable option but he just doesn’t excite me. He has no charisma, he reminds me of Gavin from Autoglass. Perhaps he could inject his special resin into the left back position and repair any cracks we currently have there but I’m not convinced.
James Milner:
People are seriously considering this. If we’re going to move players from other positions why not put Peter Crouch there? He’s really tall, that’s a good thing for a defender. Or maybe Emile Heskey, he’s massive. Saying that Milner himself is pretty bulky, he looks like he was created in the same laboratory as Wayne Rooney so it might work. I don’t bloody know.
Though none of these options are likely to fill anyone with confidence I still think we’re going to win it. We may not trust our full backs, we may not know who our best strikers are and we may have lost to every previously World Cup winning side we’ve recently faced but we have passion. This is probably why they’re all at each others’ WAGS, it’s the passion. It’s actually a good thing when you look at it like that! When our boys come home with the trophy and have their victory parade I hope Wayne Bridge is made to look on through teary eyes in a set of stocks, only then will he realise what it means to represent your country. Chelsea, Chelsea!
Jim Lovetoy
Follow Jim on Twitter: www.twitter.com/JimLovetoyTFR
Who would you choose for the left back position? Do you understand Bridge’s decision? Was it the right one?
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Joeo Denhamovic
:::2010-02-25 14:20:37
Matthew Taylor. Plays a good left back, a very decent left midfield, scores goals from distance and has the temperament to score penalties.
Also he´s not an utter c**t, which would raise the total of players in our squad that are likable to about 3 or even 4 - nearly enough to be a team you´d want to support.
Jim Lovetoy
:::2010-02-25 14:37:25
To be fair when you´re playing for Bolton long range goals are down to the law of averages what with all the hoofing that goes on.
Joeo Denhamovic
:::2010-02-25 14:42:23
I think you´ve just pinpointed the origins of their nickname.
Jim Lovetoy
:::2010-02-25 14:58:02
Good, you´ll go far son.
Matthew Connaughton
:::2010-02-26 11:55:09
None of those mentioned are traitors... to play Scholes out of position, as a left winger - for three years - is treason.
Sven should have been hanged!!
We should be calling for good old "jay-tee" to step down or be axed, or hanged, which is unlikely I know, but a far, FAR more moral option than chastising Bridge for putting his principles first.
I wouldn´t confuse "patriotism" with being a fucking doormat in 1) the public eye, 2) the work of the media, and 3) in the eyes of tour-guide "I´m more alpha-cock than you, Wayne" Terry himself!
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