The Champions League group stages are over and it’s knockout football from now on. About time, Chelsea Chelsea were always going to romp their group and their 2-2 draw with the horribly sponsored Apple Nicosia shows that the top European sides can even afford a bit of charity. It is nearly Christmas after all. It’s getting to the point where I think that the seeded teams should be given a bye into the knockout stages while the smaller, sillier teams slug it out in group stages, as with the current FA Cup set up.

There’s nothing I like more than having the boys round, whacking the under-floor heating on and sinking a few shandies while watching the European heavyweights go at it. Last night was a classic example of this and was especially enjoyable as the Blues had already qualified and Liverpool had to suffer the indignity of losing to Fiorentina, another sponsored team named after a fizzy drink (Fiorentina is what they call 7up in Italy). This game was particularly enjoyable as my mate Beardface was over and he supports Liverpool. He hasn’t even got a beard! Anymore. Also on the sofa were two more Blues supporters, Facehead, Beardface’s brother, and Fatto, who to be honest is chubby at best, but I’m always ripping him about his weight. He’s currently doing The Knowledge but he’s already started driving Beardface up the wall! We were all caning him about Liverpool now being relegated into the Europa League and he believed us without even questioning it! The mug.

We actually found out that they lost long after the game because on about 70 minutes I got bored, as so often happens in games with a lack of Chelsea in them, and Beardface had had enough of watching the “Scousers” dither. I’ve put “Scousers” in brackets because how many home grown players do they have exactly? Jamie Cavanagh and Steven Gerrard. That’s it. We’ve got JT, Joe and Ashley Cole, Super Frank Lampard, the list goes on and on.

I whacked the PS3 on and challenged the boys to a handicap match with the three of them taking me on. I’ve recreated our team, Jim Lovetoy and the All Stars, but I’ve put myself as every player because it’s more fun that way. I made them play as Liverpool purely for laughs. What they didn’t know is that I’ve given myself 100% stats on everything and put all of the Liverpool players’ abilities right down! It’s far more rewarding that way. I absolutely battered them over and over again and they couldn’t understand why they were so rubbish. I kept saying it was because the programmers had obviously seen Liverpool play! Before long they started arguing amongst themselves and it all got a bit stroppy, Beardface and Facehead were screaming at each other about not passing the ball early enough, they were like little kids. I was tipsy by this point and I was rocking back on my chair going: “Calm down! Calm down!” as I scored another wonder goal. Beardface and Facehead looked really angry and went quiet after that. Fatto just looked embarrassed.

I finished off the game (7-0 in the end) and decided it was time to hit the waterbed so I threw the boys out. We’re all mates so we patched things up but before they left I told Beardface that the real Jim Lovetoy and the Allstars could beat Liverpool and that Chelsea are going to embarrass them this season. He got in a strop again and said I should change the name of the team to Partisan Bellend. Handbags! He’s always liked to think he’s a wit but he can’t be that clever because none of us even got what he meant. Maybe you’ll have a better come back next year mate, it’s your year after all! Chelsea, Chelsea!