NoBlog number 10: Jim Lovetoy Picks his Squad for Sarth Efrica
November 19th 2009
NoBlog
Media personality Jim Lovetoy writes exclusively for The Football Ramble. “This is no blog, it’s a column. It’s credible. Proper journalism that has an influence...”
Let’s talk football. An England B- team lost to Brazil and suddenly we have no chance of winning the World Cup. Pfft. Big deal. Meh. At this stage it means nothing. The Brazilians had their full strength side out and we put together a team as experimental as Muse jamming with Snow Patrol in that big thing in Switzerland that was meant to explain how God created the Universe before it blew up. We all know that with a full strength England side it might have been a different story, especially if Lamps hadn’t been forced to travel to Iraq or wherever it was cooped up like a battery hen.
In the wake of the game there’s been a lot written about how England always lose against tougher opposition because they lack “technicality”. I couldn’t agree more. Be it players getting unfairly sent off, goals being wrongly allowed or disallowed or penalty shoot outs, England always seem to lose out because of a technicality. Despite this we don’t want to win unfairly, we’re better than that. We have something other countries lack, a secret weapon. It’s in our national DNA and no amount of skill or technique can teach it. It’s as English as Cliff Richard, Hovis and nostalgia. It is, of course: Passion.
Being Italian Fabio Capello will probably have difficulty understanding a nation that thrives on passion so I’ve put together my list of players I’d take to South Africa in case he needs some help.
The Goalkeeper:
Peter Shilton:
People often complain that David James is too old to play international football, that’s if their mouths aren’t busy complaining that he isn’t up to it in the first place. I agree with them. Robert Green looks and sometimes plays like a garden gnome and Ben Foster doesn’t do it for me. So, if our best goalkeeper is too old and not good enough, why not go for one who’s too old but is indisputably a great keeper? One out of two ain’t bad. Keepers never get injured so I’d only take one, giving us more strength in depth.
Defenders:
John Terry (captain):
Terry is the man most likely to bleed in an England shirt. I can picture the opposition now: they think he won’t get up after a nasty collision. They see the blood and start to smirk, knowing they’ve taken care of England’s brave leader. But wait. He gets up and with blood running down his face he screams: “This! Is! England!” It won’t be England, it’ll be South Africa, but if they’ve seen 300 then they’ll cack themselves.
Ashley Cole:
Ashley Cole knows that to succeed in life you have to go where the money is. I can’t think of any player who’ll be as motivated to secure his win bonus as Cole and the younger players in the squad can learn so much from him about what drives a player.
Glen Johnson:
Chelsea reject! Chelsea reject! Johnson has fine attacking qualities but there are question marks over his defensive capabilities. However, as Winston Churchill once said: “Attack is the best form of defence”, so who cares?
Rio Ferdinand:
A lot of sides like to pack out their midfields and one of the arts of international football is knowing how to bypass this. Time and time again Rio has strolled out of defence to simply chip a long ball forward – not even to anyone in particular – bamboozling the opposition. It’s this kind of vision that makes him a certain starter.
Wes Brown:
Brown is such a utility man that he’ll only see any action if the hotel plumbing breaks down! Obviously they’ll have a South African for that but what I mean is that he’ll only get to play if everyone is injured. He’ll probably start every game!
Matthew Upson:
England’s strongest position is our centre of defence. Perhaps this is part of the national spirit, developed fighting off foreign invaders and Nazi doodlebombs throughout history. Our defence could repel anything from the Vikings to the Luftwaffe to the Eurostar. It’s like it’s infused with the spirit of The Blitz. Being a West Ham player Upson will know all about this. I confess I’ve not really seen him much but he did well on his debut against Brazil and everyone else is injured. All the time.
Luke Young:
I’d make him go, but I wouldn’t book him a hotel room, I wouldn’t allow him to train or enter the stadium and I’d tell him to meet the rest of the squad in one place, go to another and then ring him up and laugh at him when he found himself alone in Johannesburg at midnight. If he doesn’t want to be included he won’t be, but he’ll learn that playing for your country is an honour.
Midfielders:
Frank Lampard:
Super Frank should be given his own teleportation system to South Africa if it means he’ll be fit when he arrives.
Joe Cole:
Even an injured Joe Cole is better than half the players in line to fill in for him. I literally mean he should play if he’s injured, his passion will see him through.
David Beckham:
The back of his shirt should read: BECKHAM (OBE). Believe it or not it was David Beckham who first inspired me to get highlights in my hair in the heady days of the 90s.
Steven Gerrard:
Gerrard is such a threat when he runs into the box that opposing defenders often give away penalties by making the slightest contact on him. This could be crucial in a tight game.
Gareth Barry:
A lot of people seem to view him as a definite starter but he doesn’t do enough to merit that for me. According to Wikipedia he’s actually scored a few goals but I don’t remember seeing any. The other option here is probably Owen Hargreaves but he’s always injured and I heard somewhere that he’s more a sort of Welsh Canadian than a true Englishman. We can do without another Greg Rusedski if you ask me, which by reading this you sort of have.
Michael Carrick:
Can you really trust a Geordie to not do something mental at a crucial moment? Probably not but he’ll never start.
Darren Fletcher:
OK so he started off as a laughing stock at Manchester United but I have to admit he’s played very well recently. I simply do not understand why he still hasn’t been called up.
Aaron Lennon:
Fast.
Theo Walcott:
If Lennon isn’t working, Walcott is the perfect replacement. Plus he still looks so young that the opposition might think he’s a ball boy!
Shaun Wright-Phillips:
The simplicity of his game is also its dynamism. Ideal against teams from lazy countries like Italy. Their defenders won’t know how to deal with a player who simply knocks the ball forward and tries to run past them.
Forwards:
Wayne Rooney:
Let’s just hope he isn’t sent off after being tricked into stamping on someone’s balls by some foreign cheat again.
Jermain Defoe:
Defoe looks a bit like a shark to me and he really is predatory, both with goals and the likes of Danielle Lloyd. He’s a massive hit with the ladies and this will make opposition defenders feel inadequate, which will lead to mistakes.
Peter Crouch:
He provides England with a plan B if the opposition is immune to passion. This is a brilliant secret weapon because if there’s one thing the top sides in the world don’t know how to deal with it’s a long ball system focused on one tall player.
Michael Owen:
Who else are we going to take? Emile Heskey, the striker who doesn’t score? Darren Bent? Harry Redknapp’s wife? Owen might be rubbish now but at least he didn’t used to be rubbish. I’m a big fan of anything retro and he could well fit that bill.
Jim Lovetoy:
I couldn’t leave myself out! It’s my list and I’ll pick who I want!
OK so I might not be a professional footballer but I care, and that’s what’s going to win us this World Cup. Some people will disagree with players I’ve included and think I’m crazy regarding some of the players I’ve excluded. What we (you) have to understand is that it’s not the personnel, the players or the team that will win us this tournament; it’s the desire. Chelsea, Chelsea!
Jim Lovetoy
Do you agree with Jim’s selection, or do you just think he’s a tosser? Who would you include or exclude from the squad for South Africa if it were down to you?
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chappers
:::2009-11-19 12:25:07
another brilliant blog by the always fair lovetoy. right on the money as usual, i believe our passion will get us to the final in south africa bt we will probably be cheated out of winning by one of them disgracful cheating foriegners! ban them all i say!
Will the real Glasgow rangers please stand up
:::2009-11-19 13:39:44
fletcher is Scottish you ignorant cunt
Jimmy
:::2009-11-19 16:30:49
hmmm, clearly the joke was lost on someone......
Chris newell
:::2009-11-20 12:55:45
HAHAHAHA - ´fletcher is Scottish you ignorant cunt´ HAHAHAHA lol lmao lmfao brb jkdbisfyisd - Will the real Glasgow rangers please call themselves a taxi, that comment has made my day. Numbscull.
Josh Jeffries
:::2009-11-20 13:26:35
Fletcher´s a must in my opinion. I don´t know why Capello hates him so much?
Charlie
:::2009-11-20 14:12:57
I really hope the post above regarding Darren Fletcher is real. If so its the greatest post since an email from Kevin in Fife
scotj94
:::2009-11-20 22:58:23
EVERYTIME JIM LOVETOY GIVES A DISGRACEFUL OPINION, IN THE WORDS OF LIKE MOORE "GOD KILLS AN ANGEL".
Glynn Trouble
:::2009-11-24 09:05:41
Who does Peter Shilton play for? Im not sure i´ve seen him. How come he isn´t playing in the premiership if he is that good?!
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