Roy Keane´s Survival Tips
Sunday October 18th
Here at The Football Ramble we sympathise with managers who have to keep up morale as the threat of relegation looms. We wanted to know what it’s like on the inside so we asked a man who’s been there before, Ipswich Town’s Roy Keane, to give us his survival tips. We weren’t quite expecting what we got...
Shut up. That’s the first lesson. Shut up and listen to me. Survival is tough and you have to constantly fight to achieve it. You can never switch off. Every aspect of your being has to be attuned to it. We live in an unforgiving world and you have to learn to be unforgiving yourself.
We all know that man is the most dangerous animal of all and being the deadliest predator around means I have to set myself high standards and maintain them. Pay attention and my advice will do you some good. Here are my tips for surviving the elements:
Staying Alert:
Alertness can be achieved in ways outside of your own mental strength. Camouflage is important. It buys you vital seconds where you can notice your prey before he or she notices you. Clothes are out of the question. To truly blend in you must cake yourself in mud. This allows you to blend in whilst in trees, essential for catching and eating birds.
Even this is not enough, so I roam the area late at night and set traps with my eyes closed. This serves two purposes: it can trap animals for food and if I don’t know where my own traps are it forces me to stay alert for fear of losing a vital limb.
The average human being really doesn’t need that much sleep. Those who laze in bed are slovenly and achieve nothing. I sleep for two half hour periods a day and am always ready to pounce. This is long enough, any more sleep and I’d become weakened and prone to flights of fancy. This is where paranoia can kick in.
Diet:
The woodland in the UK contains a lot of berries. Some are edible, some aren’t, so the experts say, but what do experts know? Some of these berries will make you vomit, but vomiting is a part of life and backing down from it is weak. A meal is a meal, be grateful for it. You won’t get your prawns or your bread here.
Mice can be eaten as part of a nutritional diet and their teeth are also satisfying to crunch on afterwards. It’s best to eat them alive as you can actually taste the moment they die. This reaffirms your status as the alpha being in the woodland and nature can sense this. Respect nature and she will respect you. Tree bark is also a useful food as you can save the splinters in your cheeks to eat later.
Shelter:
A lot of so-called men who holiday in the wild will use either a tent or a bivouac for shelter. This is weak. A tent can’t be found anywhere in nature and a bivouac sounds French and therefore also weak. I’ve made my shelter in a large burrow. You might think it odd for a grown man to live in a burrow but I’ve punched men for thinking less. My burrow has two entrances that also double as exits. Most wild animals will use leaves and grass to line their habitats but these animals are weak. I’ve kept mine in its natural, earthy state but in wet weather this is too soft so I sleep on stones and the skin of previously eaten hedgehogs to create an environment that’s good for my back.
I mark my territory by urinating into the burrow. This serves as a warning to others for them to stay away but some brazen animals such as foxes or badgers will ignore this and attempt to steal the burrow. This is another advantage as it can bring a handy meal right to your doorstep.
These steps are just the basics and are easy to follow. If you can’t follow these rules with ease then I don’t know how you can physically look yourself in the eye. I have no such problems. Every morning I go down to the river, naked and caked in mud and I look at my reflection and say: “I am a man”, and every morning I know I’m being true to myself. Now piss off up your bollix.
Roy Keane
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Lukey
:::2009-10-18 19:30:52
Absolutely brilliant, thanks Roy.
brook sanderson
:::2009-10-18 19:49:53
Amazing, i´m watching bear grylls at the same time
brook sanderson
:::2009-10-18 19:49:54
Amazing, i´m watching bear grylls at the same time
Neville Bamshoot
:::2009-10-18 20:10:12
I was sceptical about this being from Roy Keane until I read the last sentence. The big man must have liked your professional looking website because we all know that he doesn´t like amateur surroundings.
James Bartaby
:::2009-10-19 10:10:02
Superb, well done Roy, you´re a legend!
RoyKeanesGum
:::2009-10-19 16:52:28
ROFLMAO! I salute you for capturing the soul and essence of the great man himself.
scotj94
:::2009-10-19 17:30:21
Thats rich coming from a man who once(probably more than 10times) broke a mans leg.
Ben Thomas
:::2009-10-20 09:10:13
You wouldn´t expect any less of Roy Keane. Alf says hi Roy!
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'Surreal brilliance.' - FourFourTwo Magazine
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