Greetings, minions. I hope you’ve recovered from my absence last week. I decided to give myself a well-earned, last-minute holiday. I bumped into my good mate Jamie Redknapp when he was hosting the annual Sparketing Awards (sponsorship + marketing = sparketing) and he was waxing verbal about Barbados. He and Louise were about to go out to this amazing hotel he always stays in. “It’s literally boiling out there Jim, you should go,” he said. So I did. I got Fatto involved and off we went. I love spontaneous banter jaunts. Here’s what happened, or at least what I can remember of it!

To be on the safe side I wore a Bob Marley t-shirt so that everybody would know I respected the local culture and wouldn’t mug us. I sent Jamie a text letting him know we’d arrived but there must be something up with his phone because he didn’t respond, either that or he’s a dozy git! Which he is.

We couldn’t find Jamie at all on the first night so had to bribe the guy on hotel reception to let us know where his room was. It was bureaucracy gone mad. You should have seen the look of surprise on his face when he opened the door and saw us! We shook up some beers and sprayed them all over him! Louise seemed to be in a bit of a mood but that’s women for you. She was probably on her period. 

We all had awful hangovers after a few too many Red Stripes with the local Rastas. Jamie and Louise seemed keen to have dinner alone, lightweights!

Jamie had mentioned something about playing a few rounds of golf. You should have seen his face when we turned up in a golf cart! I did a 180 degree turn and Fatto rolled out onto the grass! Redders kept saying he just wanted a quiet round of golf but there was no way we were letting that happen on a lads holiday!

We decided to dedicate the whole day to banter and get out early. We managed to mix it up with a bit of culture too as we had an English breakfast in an Irish pub in Barbados! Cocktails followed. Jamie couldn’t come out because he said Louise was feeling ill. Pretty selfish, it’s not just her holiday and what can Jamie do about her woman problems?

When I went down to get some breakfast I saw Jamie and he immediately started jogging. He’s been retired for ages but he’s still dedicated to keeping himself fit. Good man, I really admire him. I met a fan who’d also just met Jamie. He told me he’d said he was heading down to the beach so we went down there. We played a bit of volleyball – Jamie in his suit for some reason - and Fatto cracked me up by trying to get the girls to compare boobs with him. Nurding felt unwell and demanded they go off. Again.

Seriously, how long is her period going to last for? The grumpy sow wouldn’t let Jamie come to the Irish pub today. She’s ruining this. It’s really not fair. He’s the one who brings the money in.

No sign of Jamie anywhere, he seems to have checked out of his room and everything. Fatto reckons Louise has probably decided the curtains in their room were making her feel sick and demanded they move to another hotel. It’s far more likely that she’s insisted they go home, whenever I’ve been with her it’s been clear that she’s not having a good time. These former singer types can be right divas. It’s a bit depressing, I rarely get to see Jamie - he’s so busy at home he doesn’t have time to answer calls – and it looks like he and Louise must seriously be on the rocks if they’ve cut short a holiday like this.

Our last full day and we decided to go mental. We’ve been so busy trying to help Jamie get away from his evil wife and have some fun that I’ve not even pulled any girls yet. The problem is it just doesn’t seem the same without him here. We all know that his cousin Frank enjoys a group romp and I had my hopes set on doing one with him and Louise. After all this I don’t even fancy her anymore.

We flew back to England. I called Jamie and it said his number was no longer available. He must have dropped his phone out of the plane on the way home. I left a message with his agent, emailed him and sent him a private message on Twitter - I’m pretty sure it’s really him– saying it was great catching up with him, that Fatto and I thought Louise was a thoughtless bitch for acting as she did and to give me a call.

This should be a lesson to you people. Being a millionaire footballer, carving out a successful media career and marrying a sexy pop star may seem glamorous but these things come with their own pressures. Jamie, if you’re reading this mate, I just want you to know I’m there to chat to if it all gets a bit much. Ring me. Chelsea, Chelsea!

Follow Jim’s ravings here: www.twitter.com/JimLovetoyTFR