Those of you who are gripped to my musings will have been asking yourself this: “How is it that somebody with such a high profile in the game watched the most important competition in football from home?” It’s a fair question. When it was announced that David Beckham would be travelling with the England squad in the hope that his experience would boost morale and prove valuable to lesser members of the squad I was half-expecting a call from the FA asking me to do the same.

The real reason I didn’t spent the whole tournament in South Africa as has nothing to do with the fact that I wasn’t offered work with any of the media outlets that were out there. I wouldn’t have taken the work if they’d offered, I’m a proper fan after all. No, it’s because I only want the best bits of anything, which is why I just went out for the final. That and that’s what The Football Ramble were doing, so I had to go with them.

Technically I didn’t actually go with the Ramble in the end because when I got to the airport I immediately upgraded my flight. The air hostesses are much fitter in Business Class. I was sat with a load of brokers, they were good lads. A couple of them were Chelsea fans and we had a right laugh. They definitely enjoyed being in the company of someone famous. I used to do comedy sketches on a football show I did – they were brilliant, really repetitive – so I’m technically a famous comedian. How’s that for in-flight entertainment?! They couldn’t believe their luck, no wonder they were laughing so much! I was creasing them up with my observations on airline food, though to be fair it was pretty good on this flight. You get what you pay for after all.

After an 11 hour flight we finally arrived and I was very awary. At the airport some Africans immediately wanted to see my passport. It was so obvious that they wanted to nick it, steal my identity and then sell it. They’d get a great price for someone as high profile as me. They insisted that they wouldn’t let me through until I showed it to them and in the end I thought that rather than kick off it was better to risk it. You hear about people having their faces stolen and sold for kebab meat in places like this and it’s not worth the risk. It turned out that they were legitimate but they certainly had an attitude problem by the time I showed it to them. Poor.

Africa wasn’t what I was expecting. They have roads and the apartment we stayed in had running water. The Ramble boys seemed to get along with each other but I don’t much care for them. I brought a tent as I figured we’d be staying in a mud hut but I set it up in my room as I didn’t want thieves to see me through the windows, and I also wanted to keep out mosquitoes, flying snakes and other weird stuff that wants to kill you.

On Sunday there was of course the small matter of the World Cup final. Spain Vs Holland was a bit of a shock final, most people would have been expecting a clash between two traditional powerhouses, perhaps Brazil Vs England, but it wasn’t to be. Had England been in the final I’d have easily have got tickets from one of my mates in the squad but as it was I had to watch it in a fan park. With football being so popular I’m obviously a huthold name out there so I was worried I’d be kidnapped. The ransom would be massive for a prominent football figure during a World Cup and Mandela would have to step in. It’d be embarrassing for everyone and I didn’t want that kind of attention so pulled my tracksuit top up to my eyes for most of the match.

The game was rubbish, so dull that the locals resorted to singing, dancing and blowing their vuvuzelas to pass the time. I’ve never seen such a bored crowd. It seemed a fitting end to a poor World Cup. Spain are the most overrated side in history and people have fallen for it again. They’ve now risen to number one in the FIFA rankings just because they won the World Cup. Ridiculous.

England hosting it in 2018 is now a must as it’s been proven that trying new things doesn’t work. If you want evidence of this just look at the players who “underperformed”: Rooney, Ronaldo, Torres, Kaka, Terry...are you telling me that they’re not world class players? This tournament has been so badly run it’s meant that these players haven’t been able to play to their best while the lower standards have allowed inferior players to grab the limelight. It´s just not good for the game.

All in all I’m just glad to be home. The Premier League starts up again in August and we can put all this nonsense behind us. South Africa 2010 was a victim of FIFA joining the PC brigade but no amount of liberal ineptitude can ruin the best league in the world. Bring it on. Chelsea, Chelsea!

Follow Jim on Twitter: www.twitter.com/JimLovetoyTFR