After Rob Green’s howler, John Terry’s press conference, the cowardly retraction of it forced upon Frank Lampard and Wayne Rooney’s verbal ABH on the fans it looked like the World Cup couldn’t get any more embarrassing for England. Oh but it did. What was embarrassing was the theft of a perfectly good goal by the evil rulers of FIFA, Blattini. It’s obvious to anyone who knows as much about football as I do that England had the momentum and were going to go on and win that game, probably before half time.

What should have happened next was England ignoring the injustice, going on to equalise again and then routing the Germans. What really happened was a capitulation worthy of Frenchmen. Have you even heard of any of the German team without lying? We’re clearly the better side with bigger players but they let down the fans, the country, our boys in the Falklands, bulldogs, Andy Murray, Ant, Dec, Michael Caine, Big Ben, fry ups and any other English things you can think of.

The most effective reactions are those made in the heat of the moment while problems are most evident. Capello should be sacked and the Army should take over the running of the side until we can decide on an English manager to replace him, preferably via referendum. It’s also time to drop half the squad and form a new team, The New England, as the current unpatriotic slackers clearly aren’t up to it.  

Let’s see how I rated England’s flops out of ten:

Ooh he likes art and he writes for the Guardian. So what? He let in four goals and as the last line of defence he has to take most of the blame. Saying that, he was the best option as Joe Hart only has experience of The Championship with Birmingham and we all saw what happened with Rob Green. I’ve heard that Green doesn’t actually watch football but I didn’t realise that this was meant literally.

Is he a defender or a winger? If anyone should know this it should be him. Watching him run down blind alleys before giving the ball away made my even my passport photo cringe.

Betrayed by the cowardly Upson and Barry, JT was left to deal with wave after wave of German attack. It was like The Blitz out there. He’s being unfairly blamed for some of the goals but Klose was actually offside for the first. The real blame for the first goal lies with...

Boring cockneys often go on about how West Ham won the World Cup for England in 1966 because they had a few players in the team. I hope these same Ray Winstone wannabes will hold their tattooed hands up and say: “Fair cop guv, the ol’ ‘keeper and centre back from the West ‘Am went and cocked it right up and on be’arf of the ‘Ammers I’d like to apologise to The Queen and the empire.”

Recently said he hates England and the people. I’m completely with him on this one and it’s refreshing to hear such honesty from a footballer. One of the few players to emerge with any credit.

I’ve said previously that Gareth Barry is so non-descript I can never even remember his face. He may as well be invisible and his performance reflected that, as far as invisible things can reflect. Can they? His display was tantamount to desertion and he should be put in public stocks on his return to Manchester.

German people will look at his performance and think: “Ah, maybe in England they are all like their Mr. Bean, yes?” Should never play for England again.

When Frank’s brilliant goal was disallowed the watching Nelson Mandela must have thought: “What an injustice, this reminds me of my own travails. You and I are very alike, Frank Lampard.” Should be captain of The New England as a result of his heroic efforts.

Milner wouldn’t look out of place on a packet of Monster Munch, but he certainly looks out of place in the England team.

Where were his lethal shins against Germany? Anonymous.

Rooney was the worst of all, not even managing a goal in the tournament. With this stat in mind it’s fair to say that he’s as overrated as Lionel Messi. Part of me hopes that he’ll accidentally say something racist so that he never plays for England again.

So ineffective he’s being linked with Arsenal and Spurs.

It’s time we got rid of this novelty dwarf.

When I was growing up a year like 2010 was meant to be the future, with flying cars, teleportation and shiny suits, not some dystopian nightmare where our national team have barely sentient, ageless lummoxes blundering about up front doing faff all.

Writing about this lot has been painful. I’m with Ashley Cole on this one, I hate England. I can barely bring myself to support them anymore. I’m more about club football, always have been. Don’t get me wrong, if they start winning and playing well I’ll be right behind them again but until then...Chelsea, Chelsea!

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