So, when is the World Cup going to start again? This has to be the worst tournament since USA ’94. At the time the fans of other nations were all saying: “It wasn’t the same without England, their fans bring such a special atmosphere,” and while we’ve managed to qualify for this one the rest of the world seems intent on sleepwalking through the groups. Let’s look at what’s happened so far:

Clearly there has been some unrest in the French camp as it’s obvious from their early display that they’re on strike about something. South Africa at least got off to a good start with a great goal from Shabba Lala but it seems that their tournament may already be over after Premier League reject Sally Gunnell inspired Uruguay to a 3-0 win.

South Korea started with a 2-0 win, which annoyed me a bit because if we’re going to have a half decent game it should at least be from a team people care about. Reports say that Greece were awful but I’m not surprised as they had money stolen from their hotel rooms and the Greeks need all the money they can get. You’re not going to be able to concentrate if someone’s nicked your airfare home. It probably happened because they were staying in a Holiday Inn. I did actually see this game but can’t recall much of it as I find it hard to concentrate when it isn’t a team I support like Chelsea or England or Real Madrid.

Argentina haven’t done any cheating yet. Mark my words, this will happen, they’re saving it up.

England’s group. At least we’ve got the monumental screw up out of the way early. I think Green should be put in public stocks after his display but it’s no surprise. Only a clumsy nanny working for pink mice that live on the moon has dropped more clangers than he has...I come up with stuff like that and it’s Corden who has a show after every game. This country is going down the pan.

To make matters worse, Ledley King looks like he may miss the rest of the tournament with Liverpool statue Jamie Carragher set to replace him. We’re lucky everyone else is rubbish.

Germany seem to be out to prove that they’re not run by fascists anymore by fielding a team that features players from all over the world. They’re also showing off by being the only team to try so far. However much I see the Germans as the enemy I will always enjoy watching the Australians lose. I particularly enjoyed Tim Cahill getting sent off for being drunk and bawdy or whatever it was.

Ghana also beat Serbia and Herzegovina. This is relevant as might play them. We’ll win as Essien isn’t playing and they don’t really have anyone else.

Holland and Japan won. It seems that being crazy will help in this group. Some of the Japanese fans seem to have been dressed up as tic-tacs, which will have been off putting, and whenever I’ve met a Dutch person I’ve always felt uncomfortable. I just tend to smile nervously and nod while they speak in the hope they’ll go away. That’s fine for me but it led to Denmark being too nervous to play and they lost 2-0. They may also have been distracted by the fit Dutch girls that got in using Robbie Earle’s tickets.

Italy were terrible in their opening game so we can rule them out. Tasmania managed to get a last minute point against Slovakia which will no doubt lead to some good natured banter between them and the Aussies about who’s better at a sport they don’t care about. I love a bit of banter.

GROUP OF DEATH. North Korea held Brazil for ages and initially I though ITV had messed up again and were showing the North Korean feed. Brazil eventually won but North Korea did score a goal so Chairman Mao can at least have it edited to make it look like they beat them in the final.

Portugal and Ivory Coa...I can’t even bring myself to write about it.

“Spain are going to win it, they’ve got the best team by a mile...” That’s what you’ve been saying for months now. That’s what you think. You are wrong. They managed to a lose to Switzerland, a team who put a fence up around their goal, sat firmly on it then decided to have a go on the break, a tactic that led to them getting a hilarious winner. Spain still have to face Honduras and Chile, which is the battle of the bottlers when you look at how much land they’ve settled for, man up you narrow cowards. Spain won’t get out of the group.

While England have got off to a typical start it’s encouraging that the rest of the world now knows what it’s like to be English. The Paraguayans will be drinking tea out of bowler hats, the Cameroonians will be playing tennis with bulldogs and the Danes will be moving to sleepy, picturesque little villages and murdering each other like in ITV dramas. In all likelihood the other teams have seen England stumble and thought: “If it can happen to England, the best team in the world, the team who invented the sport, the bastions of truth and virtue, then what hope do we have?” It must be daunting, but the slow start and sense of fear means that we get to have another crack tomorrow. Come on England!

Follow Jim’s ravings at www.twitter.com/JimLovetoyTFR